On Marriage
Shortly after I got engaged, a coworker of mine asked me if I had the opportunity later on to trade in my ring for an upgrade, would I do it. Interestingly enough, hubby had actually offered (without solicitation, mind you) that he'll upgrade the ring for me in ten years time. But my respond to both hubby and the said coworker was: No, if we have that kind of money, there's so much more we can do with it, for example, go on a vacation.
Then he revealed to me the motive behind his question. He read about this study which sampled recently engaged women from different social-economic and education levels whether they'll later on trade-in their diamond engagement ring for an upgrade. 85% of those who replied "yes" and 15% who replied "no" ended up divorced in the 20-year study. So I guess I passed the single question test. :P
So is the ring the single most important factor that dictates the success or failure of one's marriage? No! It is, however, a pretty good indication of some hidden issues at the beginning of the marriage, or maybe even the inability for the couple to communicate with each other.
And I quote an article titled Old-flame Web sites fuel divorce rates: "LONDON--Web sites that reunite and reignite old lovers are helping push up England's divorce rates, according to a United Kingdom-based counseling service...Northam said other factors were pressure at work, the changing roles of women and a decrease in the stigma of divorce."
I'm sorry, but as a woman of the modern age, I say if a man can't deal with the changing roles of woman, that's just too bad. (I just have to get that in there. :) As to the decrease in the stigma of divorce. Well, that only says that less people are staying in a marriage because of the stigma. Can you really consider a marriage maintained merely for that reason a "success"?
It's almost interesting to think that the blame of an increase in divorce rate can be transferred so conveniently to the internet/old flame webiste. Perhaps the denial of personal responsibilities are not unique in America. Before we blame the internet etc., one must understand that the dating site(s) are merely the means, not the source of the issue we have at hand. An unhappy marriage is the source. Killing off the means for individuals to find a new lover will surely encourage people to leave their original relationships. But if they were happy, they won't be actively seeking for an "old flame" in the first place.
If the society must interfere with the whole divorce issue (i.e. providing/encouraging counseling services), they should focus on the preventative measure. You see, a failed marrige (by the time people are seeking counceling) it's like a patient who has been diagnosed with cancer -- whilst it might not to entirely too late, it's fairly late. Preventative measure will be pre-marital counseling (which I understand some religions already require couples to attend those prior to the wedding).
In my humble opinion, too many couples get married for the most bizarre reason(s) or lack there of. I've personally encountered many couples who fought and fought while they were still dating. One week they are contemplating about splitting up, next week they are engaged. Ugh. Tell me you don't think an union like that are pre-disposed to failure. And the fact that the wives tend to get knocked up within the first six-months of the marriage probably doesn't help the matter any.
So if the society must interfere (I don't personally care about divorce rate, but the general consent seems to think that high divorce rate will hurt "family value" -- much like homosexual marriage would, I suppose. Don't you know that when gay couples get married, it would somehow mysteriously influence the bond between hetersexual couples?), I think a better measure is to encourage people to at least give it A thought before jumping into the holy matrimony. Remember when I said people give buying a fridge more thought than having a kid? Well, they give about as much thought about marriage -- "I can't find better." "I have to get married." "She is pressuring me into it." Granted, there's always loneliness and the need to nest.
One must understand that getting married is NOT a necessity. For reasons beyond understanding, the society pressures people to get married (then have kids ASAP). Getting married, much like having children, is a life-style choice, not a necessity. To some, myself for example, it's a great thing. I love going home to the same guy every day. I love that I know I have a built-in date for all company functions and that we grow to know the preferences of each other in everyday lifes. But I am sure for some others, going home to the same person day after day after day is their worse nightmare. So why force them into it?
But I digressed. What I am trying to say was simply that failed marriage is not due to "outside temptations," but a myraid of issues that people normally choose to overlook at the beginning and sometimes even before the marriage take place.
In a CNN special show it investigated the society's view on infidelity. It concludes that 50% marriages involves an extra-marital affair of some kind and 50% divorces are due to infidelity. Looking at the outstanding figures, one must be open to the possibilities that perhaps mankind are not made to live a monogomous lifestyle. After all, Darwin's survival of the fittest theory suggests that it's best for one not NOT stick to one partner (only counts if you reproduce lots, with all partners). So in addtion to the pre-marital counseling, perhaps we should also add sessions for people to be ready for "life after a divorce."
Why lie to people when a monogomous, life-time relationship is more of a luxuary instead of the norm? It's sort of like sex ed and giving out condoms to high school/junior college kids -- you know they are going to do it, might as well encourage them to do it safely. So why not prepare individuals for a possible divorce -- a mean for dependent women to go on after their husbands left them, or a mean to allow women to leave their abusive spouse when needs be. Or just the courage to leave an already failed marriage instead of staying miserably married. It's always better to be prepared than to be blindsided, right?
Then he revealed to me the motive behind his question. He read about this study which sampled recently engaged women from different social-economic and education levels whether they'll later on trade-in their diamond engagement ring for an upgrade. 85% of those who replied "yes" and 15% who replied "no" ended up divorced in the 20-year study. So I guess I passed the single question test. :P
So is the ring the single most important factor that dictates the success or failure of one's marriage? No! It is, however, a pretty good indication of some hidden issues at the beginning of the marriage, or maybe even the inability for the couple to communicate with each other.
And I quote an article titled Old-flame Web sites fuel divorce rates: "LONDON--Web sites that reunite and reignite old lovers are helping push up England's divorce rates, according to a United Kingdom-based counseling service...Northam said other factors were pressure at work, the changing roles of women and a decrease in the stigma of divorce."
I'm sorry, but as a woman of the modern age, I say if a man can't deal with the changing roles of woman, that's just too bad. (I just have to get that in there. :) As to the decrease in the stigma of divorce. Well, that only says that less people are staying in a marriage because of the stigma. Can you really consider a marriage maintained merely for that reason a "success"?
It's almost interesting to think that the blame of an increase in divorce rate can be transferred so conveniently to the internet/old flame webiste. Perhaps the denial of personal responsibilities are not unique in America. Before we blame the internet etc., one must understand that the dating site(s) are merely the means, not the source of the issue we have at hand. An unhappy marriage is the source. Killing off the means for individuals to find a new lover will surely encourage people to leave their original relationships. But if they were happy, they won't be actively seeking for an "old flame" in the first place.
If the society must interfere with the whole divorce issue (i.e. providing/encouraging counseling services), they should focus on the preventative measure. You see, a failed marrige (by the time people are seeking counceling) it's like a patient who has been diagnosed with cancer -- whilst it might not to entirely too late, it's fairly late. Preventative measure will be pre-marital counseling (which I understand some religions already require couples to attend those prior to the wedding).
In my humble opinion, too many couples get married for the most bizarre reason(s) or lack there of. I've personally encountered many couples who fought and fought while they were still dating. One week they are contemplating about splitting up, next week they are engaged. Ugh. Tell me you don't think an union like that are pre-disposed to failure. And the fact that the wives tend to get knocked up within the first six-months of the marriage probably doesn't help the matter any.
So if the society must interfere (I don't personally care about divorce rate, but the general consent seems to think that high divorce rate will hurt "family value" -- much like homosexual marriage would, I suppose. Don't you know that when gay couples get married, it would somehow mysteriously influence the bond between hetersexual couples?), I think a better measure is to encourage people to at least give it A thought before jumping into the holy matrimony. Remember when I said people give buying a fridge more thought than having a kid? Well, they give about as much thought about marriage -- "I can't find better." "I have to get married." "She is pressuring me into it." Granted, there's always loneliness and the need to nest.
One must understand that getting married is NOT a necessity. For reasons beyond understanding, the society pressures people to get married (then have kids ASAP). Getting married, much like having children, is a life-style choice, not a necessity. To some, myself for example, it's a great thing. I love going home to the same guy every day. I love that I know I have a built-in date for all company functions and that we grow to know the preferences of each other in everyday lifes. But I am sure for some others, going home to the same person day after day after day is their worse nightmare. So why force them into it?
But I digressed. What I am trying to say was simply that failed marriage is not due to "outside temptations," but a myraid of issues that people normally choose to overlook at the beginning and sometimes even before the marriage take place.
In a CNN special show it investigated the society's view on infidelity. It concludes that 50% marriages involves an extra-marital affair of some kind and 50% divorces are due to infidelity. Looking at the outstanding figures, one must be open to the possibilities that perhaps mankind are not made to live a monogomous lifestyle. After all, Darwin's survival of the fittest theory suggests that it's best for one not NOT stick to one partner (only counts if you reproduce lots, with all partners). So in addtion to the pre-marital counseling, perhaps we should also add sessions for people to be ready for "life after a divorce."
Why lie to people when a monogomous, life-time relationship is more of a luxuary instead of the norm? It's sort of like sex ed and giving out condoms to high school/junior college kids -- you know they are going to do it, might as well encourage them to do it safely. So why not prepare individuals for a possible divorce -- a mean for dependent women to go on after their husbands left them, or a mean to allow women to leave their abusive spouse when needs be. Or just the courage to leave an already failed marriage instead of staying miserably married. It's always better to be prepared than to be blindsided, right?
posted by cahalan @ 13:42
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